Rejuvenated.

Remember when you were a teenager and the tiniest bit of communication between you and your crush would send your blood rushing and your heart pounding? If you’re anything like me, there was nothing you looked forward to more in your day than just the slightest contact. It didn’t matter if it was a conversation about whatever mundane subject or even just the simple act of exchanging looks, those tiny things were enough to make (or break) your day. I thought those days were long gone for me, but no, I found myself re-visiting those feelings again and they were as wonderful as I remembered them to be. Except for the having a husband and 3 kids part. Nothing will burst your daydreaming bubble faster than remembering there’s laundry waiting for you at home and homework that requires Mom’s help.  

I couldn’t escape my reality but I could take breaks from it and that’s exactly what I did. I couldn’t wait to get to work in the mornings. While Ray and I didn’t work in close proximity, just knowing that at any moment there could possibly be a call (full of flirting and compliments), (sometimes naughty) email or text from him was enough to keep me happy and on my toes. We decided it would be best to communicate only during working hours. I didn’t want to think about Ray while I was with my husband and kids, but as much as I tried to keep him off my mind while at home, it was near impossible. Thoughts of him consumed me at ALL times. I would replay our conversations in my head. He started referencing specific songs and lyrics that reminded him of me so of course those were the songs that would play as soon as I got in my car (with my family), I found myself constantly distracted and wanting needing more of Ray.

I thought I was doing a good job acting normal, but soon people began to take notice that there was something different about me. There was no denying that I was in a better mood, everybody noticed the change. Well, everyone except my husband. We were never seen together at work really, I would even go through the trouble of taking Ray’s calls in the bathroom to ensure that nobody would overhear anything and realize what we were up to. I looked forward to our occasional lunch dates (more like make out sessions in a car filled with sexual tension) but our opposing schedules made it hard to see each other as frequently as we would’ve liked, maybe that was for the best. Between Ray constantly listing all the things he wanted to do to my body and my constantly thinking of everything I wanted Ray to do to my body, it was only a matter of time. I can’t deny that we were both enjoying acting like teenagers, the stolen moments, the passionate kissing in the car, but the reality was that we were well aware that we were a long way from being teenagers, instead we were crazy adults that had entered dangerous territory and were loving every minute of it.

Work

I’d always liked going to work, not only did it provide an escape from my crazy every day life but I happen to like my job. I work in a large building located in the middle of a large city where I’m constantly surrounded with an endless stream of people. The pace is crazy, busy and loud.  I would have to deal with a certain guy from time to time, mostly over the phone. Our relationship was strictly professional. One day out of the blue, something in our relationship changed. Our work related conversations became friendlier, nothing personal at first, just general conversation. I thought nothing of it when my new work friend began asking me questions about my personal life. It’s what friends do, you get to know each other. My first thought was that I should introduce him to one of my single friends. I tried bringing that up but he was never interested and the conversations always came back to me, us. One day he called me and invited me to lunch, I accepted his invitation cause it was just a regular lunch date with a co-worker, no big deal. Friends have lunch. I should have known better.

We had agreed to meet in the parking lot and head over to a nearby restaurant. Lunches with friends don’t normally make you nervous. They don’t make your heart pound, they don’t have you changing your outfit 7 times, that should have been my first warning. I was a ball of nerves by the time I headed to meet up with him. We sat in his car making small talk and before I knew it, he leaned over and kissed me. I wasn’t thinking clearly or I would’ve stopped him. I have a husband, I have kids, this is not what married Moms do on their lunch breaks. I don’t recall the exact thoughts that ran through my head at that moment but I felt guilty. I felt guilty and liberated, but mostly liberated. We never made it to the restaurant and instead we stayed in the car talking and kissing. By the time it was time to get back to work, I was a new woman.

I wondered if I’d just made the biggest mistake of my life. Should I put a stop to this before it gets started? Or should I just go with the flow and see where it leads me. I think it’s quite clear what I decided that October afternoon.

 

Husband / Boyfriend

What do you do when 13 years into your marriage you begin to question if your husband is really the right person for you?

What happens when the man that not so long ago used to think the sun rose and set on you seems to find fault with everything you do. The husband that you married has become someone else over the years and the new version is not so great. His demands increase by day and no matter what I do, it never seems to be enough. Everything I do is wrong. My cooking is never good. My cleaning skills are unsatisfactory. I am nowhere near the Mother he imagined for our his children. I begin to put forth extra effort to do things the way he likes to make both our lives more pleasant, but the peace is short lived, soon enough there is something else I’ve done wrong or haven’t done enough of. Every day brings another reason for him to complain and point out all my failures as a Wife and Mother. He stops noticing things he used to notice before. My hair color changes and it goes unnoticed, I have lost some weight, and that also goes unnoticed. Everything I say is wrong and it bothers him. I cannot share my thoughts with my husband anymore. In his quest to be a better person, my husband has found God and become unbearable and I have lost myself.

I needed to find myself and instead someone found me. Slowly but surely the feelings of insecurity gifted to me by my husband are gone, no thanks to him. Someone has come along to save me, save my sanity and to make me feel whole again. It is not my husband. I know it is wrong, but I don’t think I can go back to not having someone in my life that appreciates me, that compliments me, that loves all the qualities about me that have become so annoying and unbearable to my husband. How do I send away the person that has brought happiness and positivity back to my life and go back to being miserable constantly? I can’t.

I am married, I have 3 kids and I have a boyfriend. What do I do?

 

 

 

 

Mistakes.

It was much easier to keep your private life private before the days of Facebook and Instagram.

I look back on the last year of my life and I can’t quite pinpoint where I made my first mistake. Where did I go wrong? If I’m being honest, I don’t always feel like what I’m doing is wrong because sometimes it feels very right. Perhaps my first mistake was being too friendly, if that’s the case it would be one of many firsts for me since friendly is not a word most people would use to describe me. Or maybe my fate was sealed the moment I gave my coworker my Instagram handle and accepted his friend request on Facebook. I suddenly found myself bombarded with likes and compliments and I liked it. Did I forget to use my better judgment when the co-worker I’d known for a while and dealt with on a regular basis (and never felt a thing for) started paying extra attention to me? Did I unknowingly send him signals that I was open to being more than semi-friendly co-workers?

All of a sudden we found that there was something drawing us together and we both began to feel an undeniable connection. I suppose I could have ignored it or put a stop to it but I guess it happened before I could fully realize and put a stop to it. Or is that just what I say to ease my guilt? Could it be that I knew exactly what was happening and that I actually encouraged him to take things to the next level?

Maybe none of it was a mistake.

 

 

 

Intro

After 13 years of marriage and 3 kids, the last thing I ever expected to be doing at this point in my life is having an affair, and yet here I am. For 13 years I have been busy being someone’s wife and mother, and now I am also someone’s girlfriend, mistress, lover. I never set out to deceive my husband. It was never my intention to possibly risk my marriage and my family life for someone I’d just met. It started out innocent enough, just a work acquaintance that turned into a friendship quicker than I ever planned or expected, next it became a minor flirtation, and suddenly it was more.  I cannot get this person off my mind. He consumes my every thought. He is nothing like my type, but I think that I am in love.

Before you judge me, before you criticize me, you should know that this is completely out of character for me. I have spent the grand majority of my adult life being straight laced but now those days are gone and I don’t know if I can go back to being my former self. I don’t know if I even want to go back to being my former self.

 I know that I am treading on dangerous ground. Every day I press my luck. I think that I am safe for now but I don’t know how much longer before one of us slips and we get caught. My whole world will change and I will not be able to undo the damage.  I cannot stop. I don’t want to stop. I should be sorry, but I’m not. I am in love.