Silence.

Soon after Ray ended our “relationship” my husband left on a business trip for several days. I found myself alone and with plenty of time to think about the current state of my life. I missed Ray, but I also missed John. I was miserable without them. I decided that it would be in the best interest of my family go along with Ray’s idea and not let things go any further. I didn’t want Ray out of my life completely but I thought it best to stick to trying to make my marriage work.

After a couple of weeks of no communication at all with Ray I made the mistake of sending him a nasty email. This nasty email wasn’t one of our usual “nasty” emails, it was just me being nasty to him. I was so angry at him for putting an end to our affair after he had promised me that we could be together till we could BOTH decide what would happen next. I did not like it one bit that Ray had gone ahead and made a major decision for me. I was hurt that he had ended what we had, something that I had thought was special to both of us with a simple phone call, he couldn’t even end it face to face.  I angrily called him on his selfish behavior and reminded him of everything I had been sacrificing in order to be with him. I don’t know what I thought sending that email would resolve. I received a response from Ray where he was semi-apologetic and he confessed that he had abruptly ended things because his girlfriend had found an (innocent) email from me and he found himself in deep shit. He told me again that he could no longer talk to me unless it was work related. I continued to be hurt and angry at him, but I didn’t reach out to him any further. I didn’t regret sending him the nasty email, it was my version of closure I suppose given that when he broke things off I was too shocked to say anything to him. I realize that a lot of these thoughts may seem very selfish and hypocritical of me, but

Nearly 2 months passed and we hadn’t seen each other or spoken (despite the fact that he had tried calling me several times but I just ignored him) and then I found myself having to contact him for a work related issue. I decided to email him cause I was not ready to hear that voice. We emailed back and forth about work several times and did end up speaking over the phone but we kept it general and business-like, well I did. Ray began telling me over and over how much he missed having me in his life. I kept my distance, still recovering from Ray’s betrayal but it was getting harder and harder to stay away from him.

One day he told me that he would be gone for a week and that we’d talk as soon as he returned. I went about my life but I couldn’t get Ray completely out of my head. As much as I didn’t want to think of him, I couldn’t help it. I looked forward to his return so we could talk and figure out what would happen next. On the day he was scheduled to return I sent him an email welcoming him back, I anxiously awaited his reply. I hoped he would tell me how much he’d thought about me and missed me while he was gone, but instead he told me he’d gotten married. MARRIED.

 

 

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WTF?

Ray brought out a new side of me as far as sex was concerned. He had recently read the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy and he was dying to try out all the things he’d read about on me.  We didn’t get to see each other regularly so when we had to go many days without seeing each other, we would make up for it with some phone sex or dirty emails. This behavior was very unlike me, but I was really enjoying this new version of myself. Having this little adventure on the side was great for my self esteem and it definitely made me forget my frustrating home life. My feelings of being happy and in a good mood despite my husband’s overbearing ways could only be contributed to Ray and our time together. I appreciated the fact that he cared so much about my feelings and about making me happy. He made me feel like the only woman in the world, until the day he reminded me that I wasn’t the only woman in his world when he told me that he thought we could no longer see each other. “What the fuck, Ray?” was all I could think. I abruptly came to the realization that as much as I had been telling myself that Ray was just sex and companionship, I was mistaken. What the fuck, Ray?