Control

I don’t look forward to weekends much and it’s not even cause those are the days I don’t see or hear from Ray.

During the week I leave my house and head off to work, I get to dress up, do my job (which I’m very good at), socialize, have lunch with friends. I am in control and I get to be myself. It’s a completely different story at home. My husband (John) is under the impression that I am his 4th child. He wants a say in everything I do. I don’t remember him always being like this, I remember a time when we used to actually get along. It seems that those days are over.  

I work in a very professional setting where professional attire is a must. Skirts can’t be too short, pants can’t be too tight, cleavage is frowned upon, etc, but even so the office guidelines aren’t the only ones I have to abide by. My husband is never pleased with my wardrobe choices, they rarely pass his inspection, he has appointed himself God’s fashion police. I am only half joking when I say that maybe I should start wearing a burqa. He does not find this humorous. Big surprise.

On my way to work I turn on the radio and have a dance party for one. This is a big No-No as far as John is concerned. I am not allowed to listen to “secular” music at home or in the car if he is with me. All the indecent song lyrics are displeasing to John. And to God.  During lunch with my work friends, I go ahead and order a glass of wine, that’s something else John frowns upon. I am not a big drinker at all, but nothing tastes as good as something you’re not allowed to have. My work friends try to convince me to join them for Zumba classes during lunch time, John flatly refuses for reasons that only make sense to him and I am not allowed to Zumba. I guess the joke is on him, had I been taking Zumba classes with friends, I would not have had all that free time to do my naked workouts with Ray.

John thinks the pictures I post on my Instagram are stupid. He criticizes my need to post pictures for attention. He finds something wrong with pretty much every single picture. I don’t care what he says cause Ray likes them all.

Life at home is rough. I cannot be myself. I have to watch what I say to John during our  casual (and infrequent) conversations, if I am not careful I will get a lecture for using a “bad” word or for saying things that aren’t pleasing to God, to John, I never remember which of the 2 is more disappointed in me. When we go out with friends or family, my outfit has to pass inspection, and if I decide to order a drink John will spend all night monitoring how fast I am sipping on my (ONE) drink, waiting for me to do or say something out of character so he can say I am drunk. If he feels that I am acting “drunk” another lecture will await me at home. I am not the wife and mother he envisioned, but I am the one he picked.

I miss the days during which I was in control of myself and of my life. I am not quite sure about whether John has taken control of my life from me or if at some point I willingly handed it over, whatever the case I want it back.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Control

  1. I’m sorry but it’s pretty obvious that the problem is the way your husband treats you. The affair has nothing to do with Ray, it’s about your need to have some control of your life. Get out of that marriage before he becomes even more abusive. I’ve been there and I can tell you it will not get better. It will get worse. I got out before I had kids and the abuse became physical and I went completely insane. Your affair, your glass of wine and Zumba and singing in the car is keeping you sane for now, but a human can only take so much pressure before they crack. I don’t expect you to blindly follow the advice of a stranger online but I hope you will at least consider talking about your marriage with someone. A trusted friend, a therapist, clergy, anyone who can look at the situation from the outside.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure why I’m so intrigued by your blog. I read your posts and I feel a deep sadness but not in a bad way. These are just my humble thoughts that I feel compelled to share…not sure why. Ignore then if you don’t find them helpful. I too, recommend seeking the advice of a therapist or someone trustworthy of giving real help that really helps. When you experience strict control on one end of the spectrum, it’s a common tendency to react just as strongly in the opposite way. It seems refreshing and invigorating at first but then (at least in my experience) you feel just as lost and dead. I think the affair is a secondary issue, it’s not were you’re going to find yourself. What’s your identity? It’s not in your roles as a wife, mother or in a successful career because you existed before they did. There is more to you, find a safe place and a safe person to discover it with. It needs to be safe because life is messy and so imperfect, which I believe adds to it’s beauty. “Unfaithfulwife” is not who you are, it’s something you did but it doesn’t define you. You had immeasurable value even before you met John or Ray and no mess or mistake can ever take that value away from you. Discover it’s source, peace and blessings to you on your life’s journey.

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