Honesty

I must be honest and say that I’m pretty shocked at the kind of attention I’ve been getting for this blog. I suppose I shouldn’t be all that surprised given the hot topic. It wasn’t that long ago that I was the one judging the people having affairs. The difference was that my judgment was done from afar, I would’ve never actually confronted anyone and given them a piece of my mind, no matter how close we were. I am certain my real life friends would somewhat judge me since it’s wasn’t that long ago that we sat together in judgment of cheaters (male and female), so I turned to strangers for advice and I am getting way more than I bargained for. Good or bad, I appreciate it. I did ask for it after all.

I don’t expect people (especially ones that don’t know anything about me) to be understanding, give me the benefit of the doubt, or at the very least wait for me to go deeper into my story before they call me a whore. However, I do have a problem with people coming on to my blog and commenting on my posts, calling me a whore and wishing me ill. That’s the part that’s shocking me. How can you be such an asshole to someone you don’t even know? (You better believe though, that I will be an asshole back.) I think I am polite and receptive of critical criticism but if you’re going to be offensive, you’re going to get offensive right back, but THAT IS NOT THE POINT OF THIS BLOG.

I am the first to admit that I have a screwed up sense of humor. I suppose you can say that it’s my defense mechanism. It’s a quality that a lot of people appreciate in real life, but I guess it does not come  across the same “on paper”. I keep having to explain myself over and over and I’m done with that. This is MY blog, about MY feelings and MY experiences. Being honest does not equal bragging. Sharing experiences does not mean I don’t feel remorse. Having a sense of humor (even a screwed up one) does not mean I don’t take my actions seriously. Discussing what I’ve done and what I’ve felt at CERTAIN moments does not mean I don’t constantly battle myself over what I have done and why.

This isn’t happening because I’m whiny and selfish and I’m not getting attention from my husband. It isn’t because I miss feeling butterflies or because I don’t know what REAL love is. This is happening because I feel as if my husband has beat the crap out of me, not physically, but emotionally and verbally. I am not blaming my actions entirely on him, but his behavior towards me for the last couple of years has made it way easier for me to tune out feelings of remorse or guilt. When someone constantly belittles and finds fault with you, tears you down at every opportunity sometimes in front of family or friends it fucks with your mind. I am a smart, well-educated, successful woman and there are moments that after 15 minutes in the same room with my husband I forget all about my good qualities. I don’t care how strong you are mentally, if someone you love is constantly treating you like shit, you’re going to snap eventually and I finally snapped.

So spare me the condescending comments because you don’t know what my day to day life is like. I have complained to my husband nicely, I have complained angrily. I have argued, I have tried being sweet, I have begged, I have pleaded, I have threatened and his change doesn’t last for more than 2 weeks. I haven’t left him because as shitty as he is in the husband department, he is an excellent father. He has refused to go to counseling. I have suggested divorce on various occasions, soon after he becomes the ideal husband but that is always short-lived. Sometimes you just snap.

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